Some years ago I was working for a large multi-national corporation. One morning I received an email from the CIO, addressed to the entire company, explaining a botched SAP rollout. The corporate-speak was some of the best that I have ever read; I reproduce it here, unaltered save for anonymisation, with my translation into layman’s English.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On June 1, we reached go-live with Dressing, Sauces and Oils North America (DS&O) on the TC3 instance of our SAP solution. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
On June 1st<\/sup>\nwe forced go-live of our half-baked SAP solution on DS&O, simply because we\nwere so over-budget that the only other option would have been to scrap the\nproject.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since go-live, DS&O has experienced significant issues with the solution that are impacting the business\u2019 operations and financial reporting. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Since go-live,\nthe business has been losing money like a leaking sieve, because our \u2018solution\u2019\nwas a complete and utter disaster.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is unacceptable for DS&O and for us.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
DS&O have\nsaid clearly: \u201cMake it work or die\u201d. For us, ill-engineered solutions are the\nnorm.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be trusted partners, Global IT commits to fully supporting our businesses … so, we will do what\u2019s needed to stabilize performance for DS&O. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
SAP consultants\nwill be brought in, at 3\u2019000$ a day, to criticise the implementation and spend\na king\u2019s ransom on new servers that will make the problem worse.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
To that end, Andrew Brown, our SAP lead and a member of the CIO leadership team (LT), will personally spearhead the effort to review all factors that could be contributing to the instability. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Andrew\u2019s balls\nare, in theory, on the table to get this working. In reality, at 3\u2019000$ a day, he\ndoesn\u2019t give a flying fuck, and anyway he has a new client ready to shaft just\ndown the road.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
This includes looking at business processes, operations, data as well as assessing the actual solution itself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
We will re-hash\nthe miserable initial requirements analysis and lay the blame squarely with the\nconsultants that are no longer with us.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We want to fully understand the root cause to thoroughly address the issue for DS&O and add to important learnings. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
I heard \u2018root\ncause\u2019 in a management course and it sounds good here. \u2018important learnings\u2019 is cute too; I\u2019ve been\nmanaging IT for 30 years and I still have yet to learn one single lesson from\nmy impressive catalogue of mistakes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Andrew will be 100% focused on this effort, with members of the CIO LT stepping in to support other areas for which Andrew is responsible.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Andrew will try\nto attribute blame on his colleagues. If he is successful, I shall fire them,\nif not I\u2019ll fire him. With a glowing recommendation.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We undertake this initiative with confidence we can stabilize DS&O and make any warranted enhancements to our approach or technology. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u2018warranted\u2019\nmeans that we never made any bad choices initially. \u2018enhancements to our\napproach or technology\u2019 means that we might well need to choose a completely\nnew technology, that will triple the budget and push the project back by three\nyears. Until the next fuck-up.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We will work to ensure that the difficulties experienced here are not repeated. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Those of you who have already been through an SAP implementation will see the humour in this statement.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We will share these learnings with our businesses currently preparing for (or in) deployment. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Our bookmaker\nis currently taking bets on SAP projects at 15 to 1 of failure.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We also will continue to stress the importance of readiness \u2026 businesses and functions must undertake needed changes to prepare for the adoption of new processes, a new organizational structure, and more \u2013 all of which are required to execute enterprise process strategies.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Given the\nmagnitude and cost of this unholy blunder, it would seem only fair that you\naccept some of the responsibility. After all, we did talk to you a couple of\ntimes before implementation.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
What\u2019s critical to understand is the Leadership Team (CLT) remains as committed as ever to our ERP modernization journey and SAP as our solution. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
We take the\nmeaning of \u2018dogmatic\u2019 to levels that even a religious zealot couldn\u2019t imagine.\nEvery morning, we recite \u2018Our SAP which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We are not stopping, we are not slowing down \u2026 we are moving ahead with our roadmap and the commitments we\u2019ve made.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Yes, we are\ngoing to continue, hell-bent, on forcing SAP down your throats, no matter at\nwhat cost or damage to the business, because they had the sexiest PowerPoint\npresentation.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Leaders have confidence in our function and demonstrating our commitment to their businesses (as we are with DS&O) means we will continue to deserve that confidence. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Truth be told,\nthe business is sick and tired of IT delivering shitty service by some\nignoramus in Bangalore.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Should you have questions about our work on DS&O, please reach out to your manager, SAP leadership or your CIO LT member.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
For the\nBritish, \u2018reach out\u2019 has a distasteful innuendo, possibly acceptable in such a\ngush of platitudes. Notwithstanding, if you have any self-respect, find a job\nelsewhere.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thank you,<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
If I was\nhonest, I\u2019d say I\u2019m sorry, but I\u2019m above that<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brian<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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